Hers: Cairo, Camels for Spouses

We went to the pyramids (during the day and night) and basically had the whole place to ourselves. Our guide offered us weed and booze and even graciously proposed to purchase me from Andrew in exchange for 2,000 camels. I have no fucking clue why Andrew didn’t barter with him for more, but in the end, no deal was made. Stupid, Andrew- you probably could have gotten him up to 2,007 camels!! Seeing the pyramids was incredible. Like most people, I’ve been dreaming about it since I was a little shit and it was just as magical as I thought it would be.

However, we made the mistake of doing the most uncomfortable and disgusting walk/crawl into a tomb beneath one of the pyramids. Worst idea ever, it smells like someone died in there and then people peed all over it for 4,000 years.  That, mixed with the complete lack of oxygen at 50 feet down a tiny passageway to the tomb, requires you to take full gasps of hot death piss-air.  I can still taste the wiener-water (obviously women didn’t pee down there, men are filthy animals). We rode camels. We're going to have pet camels someday. Fuck dogs. Camels are the new, but much cooler dog. Step your pet-game up. 

Everyone takes mad selfies. For example, at dinner every person at all the tables surrounding us had their phones at arms length for a majority of their meal. Every bite they ate and every sip they took was documented, we counted 20-30 straight selfies taken per session on dozens of occasions.  Seriously people, just strap a mirror in front of your face so you never, ever have to take your eyes off of number 1. Egypt actually won an international award from the UN for the most selfies taken per minute, only to be one-upped by India for taking the the worlds most ridiculously posed boy-band selfies. Where you at, EGYPTIANS!!

We went to a cool little scent shop where I bought “Secret of the Desert” because it apparently gives boys boners. I tested it. It’s true. I was covered in boners.

Nobody in Egypt would accept the fact that Andrew wasn’t a full-blown Arab. Most of the locals we interacted with spoke great English, but insisted on speaking in Arabic to Andrew. We had to have a ten minute conversation with every cabbie, store clerk, or gawker on the street just trying to make them understand that he is, in fact, a product of a white American woman and black Jamaican pirate. A very confusing concept for them.

We celebrated Andrew's Birthday with dinner and belly dancing on the Nile River. A random stranger in the bathroom pushed me to my knees, pulled out my ponytail and perfectly french-braided my hair without a single word exchanged. Awkward, but lovely! 

One night we were laying in bed, chatting, when we heard what we were absolutely certain was a bomb of sorts that shook the entire apartment. We were frantic. Andrew jumped out of bed and looked out of all the windows in our room to find nothing out of place. I was hiding under the covers and refreshing my web search of “Cairo Bomb”, but nothing was coming up. The next day we learned ISIS ignited a car bomb outside a police station, killing at least six people and injuring dozens. We were a bit shaken, but knew we were ultimately safe in the neighborhood we were staying in. Our apartment was near a majority of the embassies and we had to walk by a number of them the following day. On two different occasions guards holding semi-automatics pointed their guns straight at us as we walked past them. After telling a few locals, we learned that they were likely threatened because of Andrew’s ginormous beard. Racial profiling at it’s best. The next day, we were waiting outside a palace for a local friend to meet us when armed guards came and very aggressively questioned us in Arabic, we didn't make it far in the conversation as we obviously didn't speak the same language, and then stood ten feet away from us blatantly staring with their fingers on the triggers of their AK47's, until our friend arrived an hour later. They pulled her aside and questioned her, again aggressively, asking her how she knew us, where we were from, etc. and even asked her to show her Egyptain ID. She said this was the first time in her life she had been even talked to by armed forces. It was strange. It didn't stop there, little things happened, like people calling Andrew Osama as we'd walk by them and such (which has been an incredible common comment on our travels) but it wasn’t the nicest feeling especially after such a horrific event had taken place. We may have been paranoid, but we’re not generally the types to scare easily. so we tend to think we aren’t far off base by stating Andrew was being racially profiled and treated as though he was a potential threat. Note, these things occurred before Andrew opened his mouth. The second the Egyptians realized he was American, jokes and fun-loving banter followed. It was bizarre.