His & Hers: India, Sensory Overload x1000

We went to India with low to negative one million expectations. I believe, that was the best mindset to be in because let me tell you, there isn’t a single blog, or article or whatever that can properly put that place to words. There’s nothing that can prepare you for your first trip to India, not even months in South Africa, Zanzibar, Kenya, and Egypt…India is its own special form of chaos.… That said, we’re not going to write much about the two months we spent wandering Northern India because we think it’s quite literally impossible to do it justice, as there’s some form of unfathomable mayhem waiting around every corner. A few examples: A) men and children treat even the busiest streets as their personal toilet for #1 & #2 (yes, #2 means poop). It’s mind boggling, the number of times we saw a man holding his winker, relieving himself or children shitting so casually as if their sitting on a private thrown in the comfort of their own home. They squat nicely with their chin in their hands, just watching the world go by while making mud. Our favorite move was when a kid would pull his pants down, and shit standing up while bending over slightly and rocking onto their toes to watch the doo-doo splatter against the ground. I was actually quite happy to know that even the local bodies create liquid poo from the food, and it wasn’t just us. Example B) of chaos… In Varanasi they publicly cremate their dead loved ones (we literally saw flesh drip from bones) on the side of their holiest river, as well as drop bodies that weren’t exactly worthy of cremation (if a dead person was pregnant, or a child, or died from a snake bite or had leprosy, etc. they weren’t allowed to be burned and instead they had rocks tied to them and were taken by boat and dropped into the middle) into the said river where water buffalo bathe and shit and people bathe and clean their clothes, and apparently turtles eat the bodies… Think about it, the same river where bodies are dispensed, burnt to ashes and then brushed into it, is the same river where the people clean themselves….and where the tap water comes from. What. What. What. Example C-Z) Uncontrollable and violent diarrhea, cows everywhere, people everywhere, stinky everything everywhere, 50-100 people per day asking to take your photo, 50-100 people per day trying to take advantage of you, booze is tough to find which obviously sucks, so much color your eyes want to explode, so much noise your ears want to explode, smog like you couldn’t imagine, views that can’t ever and will never get old, same with the architecture, the cutest children in the world, the creepiest adult men in the world, the most wonderful adult women in the world, religious sites that put every cathedral to shame, in-your-face poverty that makes your heart hurt tremendously, the best food ever ever ever, monkeys, stray dogs, tuk-tuks trying to run you over, incredible shopping, super intense and explosive haggling… the list goes on and on and on.

In short (haha), I believe you can use every adjective in the dictionary to describe India.  It’s all of the senses and all of the emotions at once. If that isn’t a mind-fuck, I don’t know what is. I can guarantee you three things upon stepping foot in India; 1) you’ll eat the best food of your life 2) even if you’re the least violent person, you will absolutely contemplate hitting a human or two on the daily while touring the land of India. 3) nothing, I mean nothing, about the way people go about their day-to-day life will make sense to you. 

Lastly, we’re definitely going back again and again. Enjoy the photos from our painful, beautiful, exhausting, exhilarating, rewarding trip to India.  A quick note on some surprises - India has virtually every landscape; snow-capped mountains, frozen deserts, thick forests, never-ending plains, jungles, rolling green hills, hotter than anything deserts, lakes, rivers - and about 100 different ethnic groups, cuisines, and languages.  It would take years to really “see” India…and we hope to.  This is one incredible place.





Hers: Montevideo and People Bashing: Deal With It

I'm sure you social media obsessed, over sharers posted your New Years Resolutions on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and www.christianmingle.com or saw many of your peers make posts about their plan to eat healthier, work out, read more books or whatever other bullshit way you/they want to "better" yourselves in 2015. I love these posts. They make me giggle every time mostly because this happens: not even 24 hours after "Nicole" posted that she was going to go gluten-free, carb-free, air-free and work out twice a day- everyday, and keep up her boring-as-hell-with-no-fun lifestyle,  I saw that her friend "Paris" posted a photo of "Nicole" with a piece of pizza in one hand and her remote control in the other. I love laughing at other peoples small, shallow failures and I'm not ashamed of it. This may or many not come as a surprise to you, but I've never made a New Years resolution that I didn't break (my friends and family are smirking right now). It's not that I set my goals outrageously high- its because I simply don't like goals and I'm totally ok with failure. It has become quite embarrassing that I can't stick to even the simple resolutions like, wash my hands after I use the restroom or stop sticking my tongue out at strangers children and then glare at them when they do it back to me ( so fun, try it).... So, I deemed New Years resolutions for wussies a few years back to mask my personal dilemma of having no self-control. Instead, I usually go out less in the new year and that's enough of a change to make me feel good about myself. With all of the holiday parties the month of December is the adult version of Welcome Week in college, so I think January is more of a recovery month because I'm simply too exhausted and bloated from holiday face stuffing to get off the couch. Who knows, but I seriously feel healthier and less like I'm bouncing back and forth between a buzz and a hangover. (Pats self on back)

Montevideo, Uruguay. We didn't have high expectations, so we weren't disappointed to learn there isn't much to do there. We relaxed at the beach, oogled at bare butts, roamed around the different neighborhoods, admired the vine covered architecture, played games and gave our technology a bit of a break. We graduated from pointing and hand gestures to speaking in full coherent sentences in Spanish. The food was consistently mediocre, which will forever be a funny memory for us. We did learn a lot from this leg; Andrew is learning that not all bugs are poisonous murderers and he realized that drying off with a hand towel after the shower is not worth crying about. We both learned to guard your food like a motha effin' hawk, or a crazy asshole will come out of nowhere and steal it off your plate, stuff it in his mouth and spray it all over you as he screams in your face. 

We left South America 5 days ago I've already had exactly 7 hangovers. Hopefully Andrew will find the time to write about our memorable  36 hours worth of flights here because I sure as shit do not remember.

Hers: The Rio-ians in Rio de Janiero, Brazil

One, I don't understand how or why there are fitness centers on every corner but all people seem to eat here is fried food and steak. There are 1,000 crowded restaurants and food stands that only sell fried munchies - so our diet here has been 90% unidentifiable mush that's been deep fried into a golden brown slice of heaven. As you walk down the street, it's just gym, fried food, gym, fried food, gym, fried food. It's basically the most confusing thing that I've ever thought about (no, I've never thought about physics, rocket science or how jello becomes jello-y). Why don't you people make up your mind? Be fat, or be fit. There's no room for multifaceted people on this planet. Anyways, I really enjoy sitting in front of gym windows while making love to goodies that are the opposite of healthy and gesturing to the gym rats offering a bite. Awkward and evil. :)

***My body hates me, it's begging for something of nutritional value. My mind is telling me, 'its ok, veggies are for wussies. Put that frizzled happiness in your face hole.'

Two, there are 6.1 million people living in Rio and all of them get dressed in the dark. This doesn't upset me, I'm impressed that there are this many people in one area that look like they got dressed in the morning and swapped an article of clothing with someone else just for shits and giggles (bit of a false statement- nobody actually giggles here, but we were unfortunate enough to see a kid actually shit in his bathing suit, Woof). I will add, there are more spandex pants of all shapes, sizes and colors in this city than anywhere else in the world. It's true. The internet told me and the internet is always right.

Three, the locals here are so kind. We got a lot of flack from friends and family who said we shouldn't visit Rio because it's extremely dangerous and I, not exactly blending in with my blonde hair and green eyes, would be a target for all the "rampant criminals". We've been here for almost three weeks, in several neighborhoods, out and about at all hours of the day/night and not once were we worried for our safety. The people here are mostly very sweet and very helpful, despite their confusing health choices and clothing preferences. Please note that I said MOSTLY. I had a nice screaming match with the neighborhood nail lady. The little devil insisted on torturing me with a nail file and pokey objects that I'm certain are not meant for human interaction and then charged me $110 for it. It was a waste of time as I was yelling in English and she was yelling back in Portuguese, but I'm pretty sure I won. So, that was the closest I've come to slapping an old broad. Besides that everyone has been great!

We haven't captured any photos of the above subjects, so here's our view from the top of Sugarloaf Mountain. It was perfect. 

Over and out.